No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
