I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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