i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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