You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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