I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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