If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
