im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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