oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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