You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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