Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
