he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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