Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You're like the curious george of whores
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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