My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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