my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
