if you like me you must not know who I am
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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