I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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