I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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