I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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