She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Naked Twister starts at high noon
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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