i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize