every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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