If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
