The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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