Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
