Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
