we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
