My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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