My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
