No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
