i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
