I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize