You surviving the open bar?
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I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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