Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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