just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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