so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
