I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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