Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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