I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
