I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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