I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
