I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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