and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
