My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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