So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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