Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
