My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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