theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
the raccoons are back...
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