I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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