Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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