Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
