he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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