Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
