your thong is hanging out like whoa
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
