my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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