we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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