I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
