If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
