I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
